One of the highlights of my pregnancy and probably the only one was the increase in the size of my breasts as the months progressed. After being a cup size A all my life and being bullied for how flat chested I was, this was my surest chance to see my boobs grow. I was amazed by my body and how much it could change in such a short time. When postpartum hit and my baby’s appetite grew with each passing day, I couldn’t believe that this gland could grow even bigger. I couldn’t recognize my bosom. Whose boobs are these?

A huge portion of my day is spent breastfeeding with each suckle leaving me dry until my breasts filled back up again for the next feed. I didn’t realize that cow was part of the job description. I observed that I was losing my firm supple breasts with each feeding but at least my baby is getting nourished right? The first time I ever breastfed was about an hour after delivery. I propped my baby up gently with the help of my husband and this little babe suckled with so much intensity. It was painful. I later learned that my baby wasn’t latching properly leaving me with sore, cracked nipples which often bled. I couldn’t recognize them. They hurt. The lactation consultant pressed my breasts as if they were not mine. “You need to brush the nipple on his nose and down to his lips and shove it into his mouth as soon as he opens his mouth for a good latch,” she explained. As if it were that simple. All boobs are not equal. My nipples were a mouthful for my little one. We didn't get it right away. It was frustrating for both of us but I quickly learned that we were both learning about each other. After all, we just met!

Imagine being a cab driver to an impatient passenger who speaks a language you are just about to learn. Crazy right? That’s how it felt. Feeling helpless with each cry and being embarrassed when the nurse consoled our baby better than we could. This was very hard for me to deal with. I often wondered if anyone would believe that this child was ours should he cry uncontrollably in public. The experience got tougher when we got home especially with all the blisters that covered my nipples. Postpartum recovery made it even more challenging. Breastfeeding while sitting on a swollen vulva with stitches from a second degree tear wasn’t exactly what I envisioned. I imagined a dreamy experience where I would feel so connected to my baby. I had no idea time determined that. Contrary to the smiles and cuddles I expected, there were hot tears from both mother and child. I often looked at the tin of formula in the kitchen cabinet and wondered why I would subject myself to such pain. Is it really necessary? I wanted to keep trying.

In addition to breastfeeding, I was pumping in between feeds to increase my milk supply. I had read the benefits of breastfeeding for both mother and child and I wanted to continue to give it a fighting chance for about a month. If things didn’t improve, I would consider supplementing with formula. Increasing breastmilk supply is another battle. There are so many videos on youtube and products claiming to increase breastmilk supply by a whole lot. It was overwhelming. Pumping in addition to breastfeeding left me exhausted and unhappy. It was hard work. After one month in, I decided to stick with breastfeeding as things were finally looking up and my milk supply was coming in. I ditched the unrealistic pumping schedules and listened to my body instead. I quickly learned that my baby would benefit more from having a happier and less stressed mum.

After a while, my nipples became numb to my baby’s suckling and I no longer needed nipple creams. Look how far we’ve come! My baby’s latch got better with time and feedings were a lot smoother. I observed my nipples and they were pink in the center from all the constant and vigorous suckling. One of my dear friends, described breastfeeding as a labor of love. I thought this was a perfect description because no one can do it for you if you want to nourish your child with your own milk. Some may argue that if you pump, others can help you feed your baby, however that still requires your time as you have to sit and pump multiple times per day. As if that is not enough, you have to wash and sterilize pump parts and bottles constantly (another ghetto part of motherhood). This is no easy feat.

Prior to breastfeeding, I didn’t understand how formula feeding was also a very legitimate form of nourishment. Some mums prefer to give formula to their babies due to different reasons which are all valid. For the sake of your mental health, do what is best for you and your baby. Although I gave breastfeeding a chance and I am enjoying its benefits two months postpartum one of which is saving money (Yes, I’m not ashamed to admit it), I am also a proponent for doing what is best for you and your baby. There is no point starving your baby if you are struggling with milk production. Also, some babies can be allergic to the protein in breastmilk and some mums may find breastfeeding daunting. Whatever your feeding plan is for your baby, make sure that it is a plan that works for you both. It is unrealistic to assume that your feeding plan will always go well. Make room for some adjustments as you’ll learn that things are not so predictable around here. Be flexible! If there’s anything I have learned on my journey, it’s that it gets worse then it gets better. However it is important to seek help when the going gets tough. There’s no prize for suffering.

You’re doing great mama!