Relationships like buses examines the few phrases I’ve heard in my experiences with men and how they’ve taught me to put myself first. The bottom line is, generally, we’re all looking out for ourselves in life and we should do the same with regards to matters of the heart. In a world where women are taught to wait to be chosen by men and spend all their time being desirable, this candid one-sided conversation seeks to engage others on their experiences and how they’ve learned to choose themselves first. 

Emotionally Unavailable 

The first time I heard the phrase ‘emotionally unavailable’ was in my junior year of college. I wouldn’t consider myself someone who attracts men my age. I have always appealed to the older crowd so meeting someone my age who liked me was a big deal. I met this boy during an internship and the moments leading up to us talking to each other was electric. Everyone around me froze whenever he walked towards me. Whenever he spoke, I felt every muscle in my body twitch and then it seemed like I was walking on air. This boy was good looking, driven but short. He captivated me in a way that I hadn’t been before especially with how he looked at me. He called me regal. Of course, I should know that I was, but my naïve mind sought this kind of validation from a boy who was significantly shorter than me. His declarations made it final and I gained my confidence from that. I had a dictionary app open every time we spoke because he always used words I hadn’t heard before. My vocabulary widened during this time, no doubt. In my mind, I was a sapiosexual, so all of this was a good sign. We talked daily. Slept on skype calls while he heard me snore. Very romantic. But although we claimed to really like each other, there were no labels. He said he didn’t believe in labels. What does that do for anyone? You know I like you and you obviously like me beyond reasonable doubt. Why do we need to prove this to anyone? I wanted more. I asked for more and he replied, “I’m emotionally unavailable”. Next time you hear this phrase, run! You need to love yourself more and want to be alone than tag along with someone who explicitly tells you that they don’t want you. You’ll be wasting significant time trying to get their attention. Get a hobby, please.  

No labels please  

As long as both of you are on the same page on this, giddy up, I guess. Don’t be coerced into thinking that that’s what you want and cry later. No labels are all fun and games until one person falls head over heels and the other person is repeating “But I told you where I stand already”. This actually feels like a slap on the face and you should pay attention to all the signs. Love is not by force. No matter how much you love a person, you cannot force them to love you. The first time I heard “no labels’ was in my first almost relationship which I am thankful didn’t happen. I always feel that when a relationship is about to kick off, one person is always more into the other person and the love/like spectrum is uneven. Is it possible to love someone as much as they love you at the exact same time? Does this change over time? After what seemed like me demanding more from the situationship, the guy now declares okay “here’s your label” and it didn’t feel right. So even if the terms may not work for you, do you still comply simply because? There are also people who are notorious for stringing people along and misleading them when in actual fact they see no future with them. Don’t be used.

Men need time (and women don’t)

This phrase comes back over and over again. I’ve heard this phrase in different instances which often imply that women do not take their time. For instance, if you like a guy and he does not like you back in the same magnitude that you like him, you should probably sit around and wait for him to realize how blind he has been. So, as you wait, he is going through his plethora of options and simultaneously, you’re busy yelling “pick me, pick me”. I will rather count stones. While people are taking their time to assess whether you’re worthy of their love or friendship, you should be assessing them too. This is extremely hard to do because you would make all the excuses in the world to explain why the situation works for you when in reality it doesn’t. This is synonymous to a parasitic relationship in science where a parasite lives off another organism causing harm or even death. This is actually the worst place to be in where you are actually waiting for others to make up their mind. You need to choose yourself and guard your heart. It is really not worth the stress.  

If a man doesn’t claim you, you’re still single 

Here we go again with the whole women waiting in line logic. When someone loves you, you don’t have to go on google and search “what does it mean when someone says…” Do you know that you can still fulfill your purpose in life without another person?

What are we

A lot of people prefer to date around for various reasons but if you don’t have time to waste and you still don’t know what you are doing in a relationship that is not defined, what are you doing there? I have asked this question and I’ve been mocked by my friends. A few people I know have shared that asking a guy that will scare them away. If I die and I come back as a human and not a tree I will ask this question again because I don’t have time.

We’re all headed somewhere, and we usually find people along the way who may join our journey. If you’re going to a destination and someone isn’t headed there, do you go to their destination and hope that someday they will be headed to yours? If you board a bus that’s not going where you intend to go, do you just take it anyway and waste more time? I think that if we thought of all our relationships like they were buses, we would be mindful of where we are going with others and pay attention to their meaningfulness and benefit to us. Think of all your relationships like buses.